Masks and Fragments

So I’ve had a bit of an insane downward spiral in the last week in a half.  Backstory: I’ve been a smoker for nearly 4 years, and every quitting attempt I’ve ever made has ended in complete failure.  I make a promise to quit before my friend’s wedding, and here we are 2 weeks from it.  I’ve been on Chantix to curb cravings and quit, and for the most part, it has worked fantastically. The problem I’ve had are the side effects.  They were very slow and gradual initially, and nothing severe, but at this point, I feel like the very threads of reality are splitting around me.  I don’t want to come off as sounding crazy, but I literally feel crazy.  

I have memories of things that clearly didn’t happen, I have manic modes where literally everything is in hyper speed for hours at a time, and what feels like minutes has been hours.  I have rises and falls in motivation, ranging from God complexes to complete and total need for isolation from society.   I have to double take everything I see because I’ve interacted with objects that weren’t there.  My agression has shot out the roof, to the point where I nearly ran a woman off the road because I saw her texting on the freeway.  The obvious solution would be t get off the medication immediately. Coming back off the medication isn’t going to change anything.  In whatever way I learned to cope with whatever mental problems I had, I don’t honestly think I will get that back.  

I have urges, that are just completely insane and unfounded.  I smell Fall and realize I need to go into the forest and watch the leaves change and die, because it’s the ONLY thing I can do to rectify my feelings about Fall.  I have never ever cared about these things, and now, they are a burning passion in my mind that I cannot silence.  I have experienced sound as color lately, which is as awful as it sounds.  

It’s the realization that maybe everything I ever thought and learned was wrong.  It’s this overwhelming darkness that literally encompasses everything that I am and swallows me whole (OH LOOK, A CLICHE!)  I feel like I have put so much effort into holding it off and doing my best to stay one step in front of it that now I’m just running out of energy.  I’m no longer stable.  I’m on the shakiest of grounds and I can’t keep being positive.  My glaring ego issues stare me in the face and shun me, and I just want to give up and leave everything.  At least once a day for the last month, I’ve considered selling everything I own and just taking the cash and starting over somewhere and not telling anyone.  I honestly have no ties that I am desperate to hold on to anymore. I feel like the loss of everyone would do them and I good.  

I just want to document what’s left of me in case I lose it. 

I encounter two problems with that: First is that the cravings would return because I haven’t been off nicotine for long enough to have my body want it gone.  Secondly, Chantix is said to exacerbate preexisting conditions, not create them.  From this moment on until the day I die, I know that locked away in me is an huge amount of insanity.